About Values, Part 1
The importance of values cannot be overstated. Just imagine what it would be like if nothing mattered to you. Why would you want to do anything? What would be the point? People who have a strong sense of what's important to them usually have a real sense of purpose that acts like a propulsion system, which moves them towards it.
Stop and think for a minute. All the things you want to do are ways of actualizing your values. At the highest level, these are likely to be things such as security, making a difference, independence, living life to the full, acceptance and helping others. Values are essentially generalizations about what does or doesn't matter. And behavior flows directly from them. If someone values fairness, for instance, they may also believe that people should treat one another equally, and act that way themself. If they don't follow up with this behavior they feel uncomfortable with their actions.
Criteria and criterial equivalence
It's also crucial to think about what the criteria, or standards, are for values being met. Criteria, are what people consider important in a specific context. You have criteria for everything you do, whether you're conscious of them or not. They're the ultimate reason you do things, the tangible pay-off you get. At work they might include success, challenge and teamwork, and at home sharing, intimacy and support. When you're buying a house your criteria will include the number of rooms, the location, the size of the garden, its state of repair, and so on.
Just as important is knowing what your evidence procedure is by which you'll know when criteria have been satisfied. You might, for instance, have 'affection' as one of your criteria and the corresponding criterial equivalence, as it's called, is 'being hugged by someone I care about'. If someone you care about doesn't hug you, you may feel the criteria has been violated rather than honored. When criteria are violated this often results in friction between the people involved. For relationships to be effective it's essential that people recognize that others have different values and criteria. Two people can have the same value but different evidence for judging whether the value has been satisfied.
When examined, the behavioral evidence procedures for criteria sometimes prove to be outmoded or even nonsensical. Someone might have 'love' as one of their criteria for a romantic relationship, and a criterial equivalence for love of 'knowing what I'm thinking and feeling without having to ask'. Although surprisingly common, this can be a recipe for disaster.
Exercise:
1. Think about a particular area of your life, such as work, home or a loving relationship. What's important to you? Make a list of your criteria.
2. Next to each one add your own personal definition of what it means - your criterial equivalence. If your criterion was 'honesty', for instance, you might add something like 'being straightforward with people and speaking your mind'. Someone else might define 'honesty' as 'telling the truth at all times'.